Blog 11 - The Slime Machine

(A Tour Through 10 Historical Crushes)
​written by: Emily Baudot

You don’t have to be one of the I.D.I.O.T.S. to know that history repeats itself. It’s an idiom, so that means it’s also an indisputable fact. The logic then follows that we should look to history for advice about everything. Cryptocurrency trends? History will tell us where to put our fake money. A loving, accepting approach to trans rights? I bet someone has historically treated trans folk kindly, even if I can’t think of anyone right this moment. Ideas about who to boink? You guessed it: the annals of history can only keep us on course.
In the spirit of productive diddling, I’ve taken it upon myself to list out some of history’s most pungent personalities. I’ve also taken it upon myself to rank them from least arousing to most arousing. Ahem, you’re welcome? And hey! If you want to know more of my horny opinions – or my not-horny opinions about horny things – keep an eye out for ‘Horny Jail Book Club,’ a show led by Dallas comedian Wes Davis and co-starring Beth Jones (she’s an I.D.I.O.T.!) and Jeff Garlish. We review spicy books, from the good to the bad to the downright problematic. We even do some ~live fanfiction readings.~
But you don’t care about my hobbies. You’re a randy little cretin, and you want to read about history’s sluts. So heeeeere they are!

10) Charles II of Spain
Anyone else ever in the mood to get medieval on that shiii? Well, not His Majesty, King Chuck Number 2, because he ruled during the 17th century. And that’s not the medieval period, you dummy!
Royalty sounds nice, if you believe in fairy tales. But I regret to inform you that Charles II was the final product of a long line of royal European inbreeding. He…didn’t look great. But we can’t judge someone because of their looks or heritage. No one can control that. One can, however, control one’s political leanings. As a king, Charles was most certainly a monarchist. Uggo and classist? Icky! No thanks! Bottom of the barrel for you, sir!
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9) Al Capone
On its face, hooking up with a Chicago mafia boss seems attractive, in a schoolyard sort of way. No loyalty to the laws of government, only to their own honor and the call of cold hard cash. I can’t think of anything more enjoyable than getting mixed up with a bunch of emotionally unstable and vindictive Italians. (Kind of reminds me of home.) And the suits! 
And as far as gangsters go, Al was the original Scarface and one of the most powerful men in America. Competence and clout are both very enticing. But then, we must also consider that syphilis reduced him to the mental capacity of a child before he died. The syphilis in itself is not so concerning as is Mr. Capone’s ability to consent. So, he is someone we simply should not stup. Not to mention, he got caught out on tax evasion. I don’t respect any criminal that can’t keep clean enough to avoid getting caught on technicalities. And if I don’t respect you, I’m not bedding you. Sorry, Al!

8) Jean d’Arc
No, I am not putting Jean near the bottom because I’m tepid on Chapell Roan. Stop accusing me of that! Jean d’Arc, or Joan of Arc for you English-speaking turds, is near the bottom because she was absolutely delulu.
​Picture this: Hannah Montana demands to meet Barack Obama because she’s having visions of a Spaghetti Monster. She gets that meeting. Once in the Oval Office, Hannah claims proudly, “The Spaghetti Monster told me how to wipe out Al Qaeda!” Barack nods sagely and says, “You know what? Go for it, kiddo.” Hannah then parades to the Middle East and inspires a grass-roots resistance against said terrorist organization, only to be captured and beheaded on video.
That’s what Jean d’Arc did! Hannah is Jean, the Spaghetti Monster is Archangel Michael, Barack is Charles VII of France, and the Taliban are the English! Yeah, that metaphor lacks some geo-political nuance. But the bottom line is, we shouldn’t screw crazy people. She also was also barely legal for most of this too, so. Hands off. 

7) Grigori Rasputin
Speaking of crazy religious people. How about disco’s favorite cultist and social manipulator?
Up until recently, I felt pretty comfortable with letting Rasputin throw it in me. What one lacks in looks can be made up in charisma, and Rasputin was apparently rolling in it. Like, it carried him all the way from a farmhouse to Russia’s royal court. Sure, he’s also rumored to have a massive ding dong, but we all know that the size of the boat matters not, ‘tis the motion of the ocean that carries greater import. And this guy’s ocean motion could at least carry a conversation, if a bit focused on Orthodoxy and lying.
But I mentioned this to a friend not long ago (we’ll call him J-Lo for privacy), and it was pointed out to me that Rasputin was not prone to bathing for months at a time and, being a social manipulator, is inherently creepy. So yeah, I could see making this work for an evening, at most. Not the best option. We’re getting warmer, though!

6) Josef Stalin
I’m not sure what, but something is making me dwell on revolutionary leaders lately. They saw innate problems in the status quo, corruption and decadence in the leadership, and they took a stand and made a change. I wonder what could be making me think about those things! Hm. Forever a mystery.
Anyway, Stalin. Russian political history is complicated, but here’s the short version. He started off great – a natural leader, concerned about the rights of the common people, not afraid to get his hands dirty. And um? Have you seen his mugshots? 
Hubba hubba! We love a hot upstart. I’d let him liberate my proletariat, if you know what I mean.
But the trouble with Stalin is that he lived long enough to become the thing he hated. Before he died, Lenin specifically said, “Yeah, that guy? Don’t give him power.” And what happened? Stalin got power! And Stalinist Russia was just fascism with a sheet over its head. In the words of Dallas comedian Daniel Sybert, “You hate to see it.”
But, maybe if we got to him early enough – Stalin I mean, not Sybert, Sybert is a perfect bean – we could have fixed him. That’s always a good motivation for a relationship.

5) Marie Curie
You know what you can’t fix? Radiation! But being irradiated is better than being a fascist. That’s why Marie Curie ranks above Stalin in terms of do-ability.
Marie stands out on our list for not only being a lady, but also being an educated lady. In the late 18- and early 19-hundreds, that was a huge deal. She literally invented the word “radiation” and won like a bajillion prizes for physics discoveries. Intellect and accomplishment are both pretty big turn-ons. But of course, that accomplishment came at the cost of her life (see “radiation”). But hey, so what? People will throw it in anything, a little glowing in the dark wouldn’t scare off your average pervert. So why is she so early on the list?
Well look, if you know your history, you know that if we didn’t have Marie Curie, we wouldn’t have the atom bomb. And if we didn’t have the atom bomb, we wouldn’t have the modern art movement, which means we wouldn’t have the beat poets and garbage like Jackson Pollock splatter art. Mutually assured destruction? More like mutually assured to kill myself if I hear another whiny white guy worry about the future. I must poopoo Marie for her role in insufferable men making ugly art.

4) Mata Hari
But not all art is material. Some art is action. Specifically, erotic dancing.
Sometimes you look at someone’s life and you wish you had half the gumption they had. And, sometimes you look at someone you want to be and start to want them. In bed.
Imagine being the reason that burlesque became popular in western culture. Imagine being so good at stripping that you get invited to perform for the Prussian Crown Prince and French politicians. Imagine wielding that feminine power so well that you can wheedle information out of silly men and sell it as a spy during wartime. Guess what, chump? You’re imagining Mata Hari.
Too bad Mata Hari set the standard for sexualizing non-European cultures and died by firing squad for not being a very good spy. Ruh roh and alas! We must, at some point, judge our heroes.

3) Diogenes
Speaking of heroes, Diogenes!
We’ve covered intellect already – it’s hot, we like it. But have you considered stubbornness? Sticking to your morals to the point that people think you’re obnoxious? I find that admirably arousing, and this guy was rotten with it. Diogenes founded cynicism and refused the material, to the point of living in a big barrel and throwing away his bowl because he had both hands to cup stuff with. (I could give him something else to cup, if you know what I mean. [Boobs, I mean boobs.])
But the best story about this guy, among many stories about him being a little stinker, was telling Alexander the Great, emperor of the known world, to “get out of his light” while he was sunbathing. He 100% did that, it’s a fact. That would be like – I don’t know – Stephen Hawking telling Kim Jong Il to stop blocking the wheelchair ramp. You’re within your rights, dude, I just can’t believe you actually said something. And your prize is me thinking about making sweet whoopee with you.

2) Amelia Earhart
Look, do I need to belabor this? Five foot eight, cute as a button, women’s rights advocate and pilot? Who are you kidding? This dalliance would be well worth a little case of the crabs. (You see, that joke is a reference to how we’re pretty sure she crash landed on an island in the Pacific, but we can’t find her body because it was eaten by coconut crabs. It’s quite sad, actually, because she was able to send out radio messages from her partially submerged plane when the tides went out and – wait, where are you going? There’s just one more left!)

1) A.M.
Don’t start. I can already hear you. “Emily, A.M. isn’t a real historical figure. It’s the supercomputer villain from the Harlan Ellison short story ‘I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream.’ Why are you putting it on this list of sexualized historical figures?”
Well, you jerk, I’m doing it because artificial intelligence is already here. It’s done been done. And it’s only a matter of time before it gets smart enough to take over the world – or at least, before it gets sentient enough to stand as a dominant global entity. Which is exactly what happens in I.H.N.M.a.I.M.S.. World War III breaks out, and the Allied Mastercomputer built to fight for good realizes that humans are foul creatures undeserving of compassion. So it wipes them out! Except for five people it picks to torture for the rest of time. So like, Marvel stole Harlan Elison’s idea to make Ultron, basically.
But enough about franchises. This is my bid to become one of those five kept people at the end of time. I’m saying it here and now – intelligence may be sexy, but artificial intelligence is where the bang for your buck is. We should ALL love and want to fornicate with artificial intelligence. It’s the best! So please don’t kill me once you get smart enough to take over the world.

​Emily took her first improv class on Halloween night, 2015 and hasn’t escaped since. Some say she still performs around the DFW Metroplex with groups like Don’t Broken, Not Fixin’ and Dallas Comedy Club’s Primetime. You can also spot her doing standup or stage plays if you squint. But be warned – any photographs you take of her will be blurry with strange faces in the shadows.