Blog #2 - An Audit of Pets

From the Desk of Joel, your loyal DICF Reporter:

Dear Reader,

We pick up here, mid-interview with the IDIOTs of Indie Night fame, who have elected to run an entire Comedy Festival in April. After taking what many of them agreed to be a “much needed potty break”, we all moved indoors out of the freezing, bleak day. They had their foyer already prepared to host me and I found quite a modicum of delight in treating myself to a few biscuits and items of that nature provided to me. Though, before I could fully relax, I was taken aside briefly by one unnamed, yet tall, IDIOT and was politely told to change the subject off the IDIOTs and onto something else, if I could. I was perplexed and challenged by this, but I was assured it would be better for everyone involved because currently “there was a lot of heat on a few of them and any more info about them from the interview could put them and their families in great danger”, end quote.

Joel: It’s time to dig a little deeper on a certain subject my readers and I are very curious on. Do any of you have pets?
All in Unison: Yes.

Joel: Oh, delightful! Then may I compile some answers from everyone and detail a profile for each of your pets?
All in Unison: Yes.

(What follows is an accounting of each pet per their owner’s words, listed in alphabetical order of Pet Name)

Chance showing off his favorite waterfall

Chance the Dog
Owner: Madeline
Origin of Name: He’s a rescue and his shelter name was “Butter Scotch” which he hated
Personality: Afraid of Literally Everything
Favorite Past-Time: Walks, walking, and going on short walks or hikes
Voice Actor: Whoever voiced Eeyore
Highest Level of Education: PhD, that’s why he’s so cynical

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Chloe the Cat
Owner: Stefan
Origin of Name: Chloe Sevigny/Chloe Veitch
Personality: Alternates between Princess and Gremlin
Favorite Past-Time: Eating
Voice Actor: Madeline Slavens
Highest Level of Education: None, dumb as rocks

Chloe seen here bending the light spectrum to her will

Chuck at graduation after earning a Dogtorate

Chuck the Dog
Owner: Chelsea
Origin of Name: Professor X [aka Charles Xavier]
Personality: Needy and demanding
Favorite Past-Time: Screaming…crying…eating snacks
Voice Actor: Bill Fagerbakke, the voice of Patrick Star
Highest Level of Education: Dogtorate, though he wasn’t able to achieve Therapy Animal level because he couldn’t stop crying

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Floki the Dog
Owner: Ashley
Origin of Name: From the “Viking” TV series
Personality: He’s an old man who sits outside on his porch hollering at kids to stay off his grass, but is a secret philanthropist who donates millions every year to kid-cancer research. 
Favorite Past-Time: Hollering
Voice Actor: Cillian Murphy
Highest Level of Education: On his fifth reincarnation on this earthly plane, and has completed “all” levels of education (those available in Texas, at least)

Floki (left) and Rollo (right) for scale

Leo and his back knee

Leo the Cat
Owner: Raye
Origin of Name: No idea, his full name is Leo Guzman and is legally Hispanic I think
Personality: Loves his routines, but scared of everything. I think he was involved in gun violence on the streets before being adopted because you open a coke can and he acts like someone got shot.
Favorite Past-Time: Eating wet food, messin’ around in his litter-box, being apprehensive
Voice Actor: Approximate guess would be Michael McDonald (Stuart from MadTV)
Highest Level of Education: Raised on the streets, so he’s got that street knowledge and got connections if you need something, y’know?

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Pepperoni the Pooch
Owner: Beth
Origin of Name: Poor thing was a street dog who went by “Puppy” for a while until we officially decided to keep her and give her a proper name that sounded similar, so Puppy is now Peppi, short for Pepperoni, also called Peppernooch, Noochie, Booch, and Snuggy Buggy.
Personality: Fiercely loyal, deathly afraid of ovens
Favorite Past-Time: Destroying toys, like literally obliterating them, hanging at the dog park, bothering cats, hogging the bed.
Voice Actor: Christine Baskets
Highest Level of Education: PhD in Neuroscience

This is a real thought bubble by the way

We needed a microscope to get this picture of Rollo

Rollo the Dog
Owner: Ashley
Origin of Name: also from “Vikings” TV series
Personality: [He] is a toddler who thinks he’s the boss because he finally isn’t crapping in his pants and knows some words. 
Favorite Past-Time: Sprints
Voice Actor: Steve Carell
Highest Level of Education: Rollo has recently started his second try at Pre-K.

Joel: Thank you all for taking time out of your busy festival-planning days to sit down with me and answer all of these questions. Wait until the readers of the blog hear about this!
All in Unison: Yes.

And there you have it once again, readers! Another bombastic edition of the blog, which I hope you feasted on with your eyes and mind. I am your loyal reporter Joel and I have pledged to bring you even more posts as we grow close and closer to the festival in April! Bonus: some of these blogs won't even be written by me and instead reporters from our department who you may know and love as well!

Until next time,
Laugh at It!
~Joel