Blog #7 - The Hot Goss

written by: Hannah Heuer

Hey there IDIOT fans and haters, it’s me, back again with this week’s update on Texas’ favorite comedy bunch… 

When we last left off, IDIOT S was seen slinking into his local CVS, and what did he emerge with? This writer never would have known if not for the mile long receipt, fluttering in the wind behind him…hair dye! RED HAIR DYE! That’s right, our favorite natural redhead may in fact be very UNnatural. Rumor has it, our boy has been hitting the metallic box his entire life. What does bf M have to say about this? Sources say he’s known the whole time and has been nothing but supportive. As for the rest of us…color us completely SHOCKED!

Could IDIOT M have possibly known this deeply held secret? It’s hard to imagine her close friends wouldn’t have discussed it…after all, she might just have a trichological secret of her own. At a recent Monday Night Feast, M was seen adjusting…

her whole head? That’s right, readers, IDIOT M has also been lying to us for years. Could it be that our sweetheart M has been donning a blonde wig since her scholarly days at DCH? Ever notice a shed hair here or there after she’s left the room? Having a forensic pathologist as a cousin comes in handy once again…100% synthetic. That’s right, those beautiful blonde tresses are nothing but a fabricated farce. According to a source close to her (think rhymes with “Marker”) M has been renting a storage unit in Dallas for over a decade…perhaps all those times she goes off the grid, this is where we might find her, tending to her flock of identical flaxen wigs.

Meanwhile, IDIOT B is back in town! This writer has it on good authority she was visiting family…but wait! Has anyone actually met B’s kin? No. Do you know why? Because if we climb that family tree just a bit higher, we’ll find that IDIOT B’s real last name is actually HAROLD…as in, the improv form? Yeah, that’s named after her great uncle, four times removed. That’s right, our fearless B who has claimed for years to have gone through numerous classes and workshops is in fact an improv comedy nepo baby. She’s had it all handed to her, growing up on the golden streets of Second City. As long as she’s using her powers to throw us a festival, she’s good…for now…

This just in! IDIOT A has been caught on several local Ring cameras covertly creeping around town collecting plants from local porches. What could she possibly be doing with her compilation of cacti? The answer was discovered when those same cameras caught her returning the filched flora…with diapers covering all the pots. When confronted by a stumped homeowner, IDIOT A exclaimed that she was only trying to keep the neighborhood clean. “Just in case they soil themselves,” she could be heard saying as the neighborhood crime watch dragged her away to who knows where. Will she be back to tidy up the town soon? Only time will tell…

IDIOT R has been awfully quiet lately. Could he be up to something? Here’s a question for you, how familiar are you with the local Underground Over 30 Semi Pro-Am Junior Wrestling and Luchador community? Well, let me tell you…IDIOT R knows a lot. It seems he’s been hiding a side of himself from us all, including even his nearest and dearest. R isn’t just part of the community. According to another member who asked to remain anonymous, R is in fact Vice President of the UO30SPAJWL, second in command only to George “The Pincher” Johnson. What is IDIOT R’s wrestling persona, you ask? Well, let’s just say have you ever seen him and Stone Cold Steve Austin in the same room? Neither has this writer…

And what about IDIOT C? You’ll never guess what our favorite purple haired goofball has been up to. She was spotted leaving the apartment of Joel the Frog (and editor of this blog) at a very intriguing 3 AM in tears. Has the Frog Casanova broken yet ANOTHER fragile heart? Perhaps this has something to do with a recent rumored throupling between IDIOT A, her girl R, and JtF…could there be trouble in froggy paradise? Careful, JtF…there’s nothing more dangerous than a woman scorned and now it appears you have three under your freaky little webbed feet…I’d hop carefully, if I were you.

After leaving the Swamp Apartments, C was seen in the local cemetery at the gravesite of none other than our beloved war hero. That’s right, Chicken Head. But what could she be doing with a flashlight and a shovel? And is that the rest of the IDIOTs making their way there in the moonlight? More on this poultry paradox later…

And who am I? That’s one secret I’ll never tell…you know you love me.
XOXO Idiot Girl

​The People’s Rapunzel, Hannah Heuer, was born and raised in a suburb not far from here. Besties with IDIOT C since high school, they can often be found sharing one brain cell. Mother to Mabeline “Mayhem” Gremilina Raye Heuer, the half alien, half dog that makes up ¼ of her home. Hobbies include stabbing things repeatedly with a needle and asking the dogs to grow thumbs so they can do their chores. You can almost always find Hannah behind the merch booth at Indie Night with Chelsea or waiting for the next opportunity to be behind the merch booth at Indie Night with Chelsea. She watched her first episode of Gossip Girl yesterday and now she simply must know what happens with Serena and the gang.