blog #8 - Clock-on-a-pole

written by: Emily Baudot

Clock-on-a-Pole: What about ‘em, Em???
You know what they are. It’s a light post but instead of a light it’s an analog clock. It’s a clock-on-a-pole. They’re quaint, but in classic Baudot fashion I found myself taking umbridge* with their existence. At least a light post provides immediate benefit (vis a vis, helping you see at the speed of light). Clock-on-a-pole just stands there and says, “Hello everyone! I can help you know what time it is! But only if you distract yourself long enough to look at my numbers. Alternatively, you can glance at me quickly, hold the image in your mind, and figure it out as you’re walking away so no one knows you can’t read analog clocks very fast.”
​​*(​The linguistic roots of the word “umbridge” precede Harry Potter, as it turns out. You learn something new every day! She’s a clever one, that Just Kidding Rowling.)

But even if telling time was useful, this function would only work if the clock-on-a-pole in question is wound, accurate and connected to whatever infrastructure it sits on. One such clock-on-a-pole in Rowlett, Texas was found to be off by 4 hours and 30 minutes! Where are you siphoning those tax dollars to, Rowlett?*
​*(Since writing this article, further analysis has shown that that particular clock-on-a-pole was not innaccurate, but disconnected from electricity entirely. This is probably more to taxpayer benefit than keeping a clock-on-a-pole in working order.)

Despite their inherent uselessness, I really like the aesthetic of a clock-on-a-pole.* It smacks of a steampunk movie. I can so easily see myself going about my business in bustling, gear-encrusted Steampunk Rowlett. The neighborhood’s single public dirigible floats large overhead. An automaton nanny pushing a pram skirts around an unhomed man. The local La Casita Coffee Shop pumps smoke into the sky, staffed by a 30-something with a handlebar moustache, overalls, and a peaky hat.​​**
*(I also feel this way about comically large dildos.)
**(As it happens, this isn’t an exaggeration for Steampunk Rowlett’s sake. That’s just how it is normally.)​

Suddenly, I realize – I’ve lost track of time! I whip my head around, and there’s a tight zoom in on the clock-on-a-pole, and the camera flashes back to the upper half of my face. The cut back is too quick for anyone watching to read the time, but my eyes are wide and panicked so you know that I know that I’m late. And then cinema-heads will pause the film on the frame with the clock-on-a-pole and post to their substacks, “The pole clock reads 10:42. We know it is in the AM because there is sunlight. Rowlett uses CST, which we know is the same time the writer saved her first draft of this screenplay.* The next time we see a clock, it reads 5:26 PM. But accounting for the fact that the scene with the second clock is in Glasgow, we can convert that to 11:26 AM CST, exactly 44 minutes after we saw the first clock. There is 44 minutes of film between the two clocks. This proves the film is progressing in real time, and all the events are taking place in the same day.” That assertion, of course, will be refuted as a coincidence by the lead screenwriter.
*(How do they find this out? Who’s to say – receipts are everywhere if you know where to look. And I mean, if it happened to WikiLeaks, it could happen to the Paramount Picture Company.)

I guess the point of this is that, yeah, clock-on-a-poles* might be antiquated, and maybe even easy to decry as useless. They aren’t an efficient or well-designed way to share time. But you know what they are? Whimsical. Cute, even. Like improv shows! And there’s value in that alone.
​*(“Clock-on-a-pole” is NOT pluralized as “clocks-on-a-pole” – a “clocks-on-a-pole” is a type of biblically-accurate angelic body type, wherein multiple sentient clockfaces spring out of a long, thin body. Confused? Go to church!)

​Emily took her first improv class on Halloween night, 2015 and hasn’t escaped since. Some say she still performs around the DFW Metroplex with groups like Don’t Broken, Not Fixin’ and Dallas Comedy Club’s Primetime. You can also spot her doing standup or stage plays if you squint. But be warned – any photographs you take of her will be blurry with strange faces in the shadows.